Thank you for that post. It does ring a bell with me to some degree because of the fact that the relationship i had with my father was scarred mostly from the way he treated my mother and myself as well as his other behaviors that I don't want to go into into too much detail at this time.
My father died of cancer a few years after he was out of our lives..Not long before that i was talking to a friend about trying to reconcile with him. he told me i should look him up and talk to him about a lot of the resentment and hurt that i felt he caused me. Not long after that, I found out my father died. I never had a chance to reconcile or resolve anything.
That being said, knowing him, there was certainly no guarantee that reconciliation or a resolution would have been reached. While i think your post is very good and well meant, I think the main thrust of it is more about FORGIVENESS as opposed to the positive commandment of Honoring in the way it was earlier pointed out. While I honor my late father as my father, I also don't believe it is my duty to seek out someone who has harmed ME. In Judaism, when we harm someone, we are to seek out the person we have harmed and do what we can to get an absolution from them. We certainly have no obligation to seek out a thief who stole from us for the purpose of forgiving them, they on the other hand do have the obligation to seek us out and repay their debt and seek our forgiveness. To me it's almost the same concept except that due to the commandment to honor our parents, we should be willing to seek that reconciliation you mentioned if it means to make peace with our parents so that we can honor them and love them fully. However, there are cases as I am sure you and I have both seen in our lines of work where that may simply not be possible.
To some degree, i think part of the answer lies in the Sh'ma.."Teach them (the commandments) thoroughly to your children..."
Not only does this mean we should teach our children the words of G-d, but also set an example by following them ourselves.
Likewise as King Shlomo wrote in the Proverbs, "direct your children in the way they should go...."
In both cases, as a Jew, I would take it as we should teach in word and in deed. The Torah forbids anyone to willfully abuse anyone else. How much more so our own children. If someone is physically/sexually/mentally/emotionally abusing anyone, especially their own offspring, they are in a sense, behaving as a heretic and in some cases, may well be forfeiting their right to any honor that would otherwise be due to them...